“You haven’t lived until you’ve wiped your ass with a pile of sand. Toilet paper doesn’t measure eternity the way the sands of time do.”

“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.
”

“I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actually print it on toilet paper. That way nobody will be surprised by how shitty my book is.”

“The man with two plungers for hands never wipes his ass, but he also never clogs up a toilet either.”

“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.”

“I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.”

“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.”