“You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls, when they’re itchy!) I recently got him declawed, which sucked for him, but it was great for me because I was tired of always biting his fingernails back when he was nervous.”

“A ball is a great place to dance, or a great thing to dribble. A ball is also a great thing to scratch when it's itchy and sweaty.”

“My fingernail itches. I need to scratch it with my skin.”

“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When I found out I was going to be a father, I wanted to meet a man I’d never met—my dad, who also just found out he was a father when I introduced myself. I never got to tell him I loved him before he died, but from the way I gently but forcefully held his head underwater, I think he could tell.”

“My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”

“I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is when my lower back itches.”

“When I’m typing at my keyboard, I often feel like Mozart. Can somebody scratch my Bach?
”