“You know what really chokes me up? Being strangled.”

“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?”

“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.”

“People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow. So, if you see me walking around with a furrow on my brow, you’ll know what I’m doing: I’m helping to save Mother Earth.”

“Strangled or stabbed, which you rather have for dessert?”

“My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The rest I had to learn from textbooks.”

“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.”