“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your cooking.”

“I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”

“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.”

“I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can't eat thank, so I know my stomach isn't full of thank. I can't smell or breathe thank, so I know my lungs aren't full of thank. I'm not even sure how much thank I could fit in the trunk of my car. But I do know one thing. It's much easier to give thanks than something that actually costs money to give.”

“Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.”

“I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If you want to watch, I just made popcorn.”

“I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t regret it for a second.”