“You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try to deny the existence of nonexistence?
”

“If you asked me to mow your lawn, I’d say sure—just as soon as you move your lawn directly above mine.”

“-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today?
-No, I’m taking her out this afternoon?
-Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!”

“Question for your life: If the man of your dreams existed in two dimensions only, would you try to print duplicates of him?”

“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.”

“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!”

“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample?”