“Your impression of me is different than my impression of me. But that’s OK, because your impression is impressionistic, like a Monet painting, while mine is realistic, like a Rembrandt.”

“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”

“Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice.”

“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.”

“Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.”

“If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but the only person I’ll let live my life for me is my clone. He thinks like me, so I’m OK with him thinking for me.”

“My shadow’s so substantial that it has its own shadow. It isn’t as tall, but that’s OK, because sometimes it feels like I’m being followed by a black midget.”