“You’re disoriented. You’re in the future. You just woke up. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.
”

“You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

“I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.”

“I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up with an erection, and a decision.”

“Getting a rejection letter from a place you’ve been thinking about is bad enough, but how shitty do I feel getting a rejection letter from some place I don’t even remember applying to? That’s like a homeless person walking up to me and saying, “You don’t know me, but in case you’ve forgotten, you’re a loser.”

“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.”

“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving in, they’ll stop taking.
”