“There's no good reason to change a Neil Simon line. The day that I'm funnier than Neil Simon, Hell will be a very chilly place.”

“TODD: Well, listen, Neil. I-I appreciate this concern, but I-I'm not like you.All right? You, you, you say things and people listen. I'm, I'm not like that.NEIL: Don't you think you could be? TODD: No! I--I, I don't know, but that's not the point. The, the, the point is that there's nothing you can do about it, so you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine. All right? NEIL: No. TODD: What do you mean, "no"? NEIL: No.”

“Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.”

“The sky is not the limit if Neil Armstrong made it to the moon.”

“I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson.”

“So you're trying to make her happy despite the fact that the reason she's unhappy in the first place is you," said Simon, not very kindly. "That seems contradictory, doesn't it?""Love is a contradiction," said Jace.”