“Seriousness is for fools and poor destitute families who have lived their entire lives on spam.”

“Conflict of interest. I wanted to date somebody who was less screwed up than me, and she wasn't.”

“Delusions are a vital part of my existence.”

“Denial is an essential part of my existence. Without it, I am nothing.”

“Secrets and deceptions are the best foundation for a relationship, I don't care what anyone says.”

“Oh, wait a minute, I was supposed to be cutting back on the self-delusion, wasn't I? Whoops.”

“Christian allegories are a dime a dozen. You can find them in any story, if you look hard enough. Even Harry Potter.”