“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day.”

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.”

“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money." Jan. 21, 2010”

“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. ”

“It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.”

“Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances. ”

“With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides,flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from oneend to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terroristattacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out ofthe Pledge of Allegiance?”