“The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees.”

“Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.”

“It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.”

“New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. ”

“You can't stay mad at someone who makes you laugh.”

“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. ”