“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?Peanut: Yes we had a great day!Jose: No we did not.Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: YesJose: No we did not have a good day.Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!What?Jeff: Did you have a good day?Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: Shut upJeff: A good day?Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: Shut upJeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.Peanut: I took him to the spa!Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.Peanut: It's the same thing!!!”

“Jeff-did you guys have a good day?Jose-no Jeff-whyJose-he got my stick jammed in the car doorJeff-what?did you say sorryJose- noJeff- why didn't you say sorryJose- cause he couldn't breathJeff-why couldn't he breathJose- cause he was laughing to hard”

“Peanut: Too much starbucks coffee, coffee, coffee!Jeff: You didn't have coffee before the show!Peanut: I admit it was crack.Jeff: You didn't do crackPeanut: Then you did! It feels like one of us did!Peanut: Don't you do crack?Jeff: No! I'VE NEVER DONE CRACK!Peanut: Alright. I admit Jeff does not abuse drugs. He's an alcoholic.”

“Jeff: The drive from the valley?Peanut: Was bad as hell!Jeff: Traffic?Peanut: Sucked like hell!Jeff: Drivers?Peanut: Angry as hell!Jeff: And you?Peanut: Were scared as hell!Jeff: Parking?Peanut: Sucked more like hell!Jeff: So?Peanut: We're in hell! ”

“Jose: Do not drop me senorJeff:i wont drop you,joseJose:then i be jose jalapeno on the floorPeanut:do a little tap dance and we got salsa!Jeff:Thats terrible!Peanut:not with the right chips its notJeff:stop it! im sorry josejose:its okayjeff: okayJose:ill kick his ass laterpeanut:i'll turn ur ass into guacamolejeff: stop it!peanut: i will stir u with ur own stick!jeff:stop it!peanut: this is the way we stir the guac stir the guac stir the guac. OLE!!”

“WHAT! WE CANT TALK AT THE SAME TIME! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, WE CAN'T DO IT! Peanut. WHAT! You said my name wrong. No it's Jeff Dun-ham. No it's dunham, No dun-ham. No dunha. No you see it says dunham jeff dun-HAM. Actually if you look at it, it say jef f dunham .com ”

“Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city...Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit. ”