“Jeff: You know most people who've had near death experiances say they say a white light. What did you see?Akmed: I saw flying car parts!Jeff: What was the last thing that went through your mind?Akmed: My ass. But I saw a blue Prius! Is it true you have one of those? Did you know that if your driving down the highway in a Prius and you stick your hand out the window the car will turn?!”

“Jeff-did you guys have a good day?Jose-no Jeff-whyJose-he got my stick jammed in the car doorJeff-what?did you say sorryJose- noJeff- why didn't you say sorryJose- cause he couldn't breathJeff-why couldn't he breathJose- cause he was laughing to hard”

“Jeff: You know, you don't have to do this.Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.Jeff: What would you do?Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.Walter: What the hell's so funny?Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?Walter: Oh.Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!Walter: Have a nice day!”

“Jeff: Are you married?Bubba J.: Yep.Jeff: Your wife pretty?Bubba J.: Ye... no!Jeff: What's the difference?Bubba J.: The light.”

“WHAT! WE CANT TALK AT THE SAME TIME! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, WE CAN'T DO IT! Peanut. WHAT! You said my name wrong. No it's Jeff Dun-ham. No it's dunham, No dun-ham. No dunha. No you see it says dunham jeff dun-HAM. Actually if you look at it, it say jef f dunham .com ”

“Peanut: Too much starbucks coffee, coffee, coffee!Jeff: You didn't have coffee before the show!Peanut: I admit it was crack.Jeff: You didn't do crackPeanut: Then you did! It feels like one of us did!Peanut: Don't you do crack?Jeff: No! I'VE NEVER DONE CRACK!Peanut: Alright. I admit Jeff does not abuse drugs. He's an alcoholic.”

“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?Peanut: Yes we had a great day!Jose: No we did not.Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: YesJose: No we did not have a good day.Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!What?Jeff: Did you have a good day?Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: Shut upJeff: A good day?Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: Shut upJeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.Peanut: I took him to the spa!Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.Peanut: It's the same thing!!!”