“I don't know if this makes me a bad person or whatever, but it's hard for me to get interested in other people's vacations.”

“Well, the problem is, it's not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.”

“First of all, let me get this straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say 'diary' on it.”

“The best person I know is Myself.”

“So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”

“There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.”

“I'm basically one of the best people I know.”