“Zoo-Wee Mama!”

“I've seen a lot of movies where a kid my age finds out he's got magical powers and then gets invited to go away to some special school. Well, if I've got an invitation coming, now would be the perfect time to get it”

“I'm basically one of the best people I know.”

“Monkeys can't talk, stupid!”

“Loded Diaper”

“I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,”

“First of all, let me get this straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say 'diary' on it.”