“There are two kinds of people in this world. And I'm not one of them.”

“...but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.”

“I'm basically one of the best people I know.”

“If you're "one in a million", and the world is full of seven billion people, that means there are seven thousand people just like you.”

“Eight people show up. The emcee is warm, friendly, and about as funny as Shoah. I take the stage to the sound of, my hand to God, one person clapping once and only once, and then I start into my act.”

“Well, the problem is, it's not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.”

“I'm sitting at the bar, rearranging the order of my jokes. I'm under the delusion that I'm having bad shows because of some cosmic misalignment of words, phrases, and ideas. I may as well have cast runes into a spirit bowl, hoping that the collective heart of the audience would open to my necromantic call. Maybe that's how jugglers do it. Those guys never have shitty sets.”