“Deceased's request as stated in last will and testament: 'I want to be made up to look undead, like the fucking sexiest vampire chick you can imagine, for an open-casket viewing.”

“I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather.""Yeah.""And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up.”

“You're looking at that chick like you want to roll her up in a taco and put your hot sauce all over her.”

“Oh shit! Can you say 'fuck' in a graveyard or will it jinx you with the undead?”

“(“Yeah, work that mustache, you stud, chicks fucking dig the rapist look”)”

“The catch is that for most people the New Testament is taken as proof for the conventional picture of Christian origins, and the conventional picture is taken as proof for the way in which the New Testament was written. . . . For this reason the New Testament is commonly viewed and treated as a charter document that came into being much like the Constitution of the United States. According to this view, the authors of the New Testament were all present at the historic beginnings of the new religion and collectively wrote their gospels and letters for the purpose of founding the Christian church that Jesus came to inaugurate. Unfortunately for this view, that is not the way it happened.”