“It seemed like the only way to keep breathing was to focus on the here and now, moment by moment, keeping my mind frozen cold to anything else.”

“Keep in touch.I suddenly realized how annoying that expression was. Like, Now it's your job to stay in contact with me. It said, I'm really just too lazy.I started to write back, to keep in touch, but decided I'd be lazy as well.”

“Holding the knife with the blade against my palm, it became so clear how my life would only contain shadows now. Shadows of things gone; not just the people themselves but everything connected to them. Was this my future? Every moment, every tiny thing I saw and did and touched, weighted by loss. Every space in this house andmy town and the world in general, empty in a way that could never be filled.”

“Sometimes my life here felt like a cage where I could never escape the pain. At other times it felt like the only firm ground on earth”

“Then I closed my eyes.That was it. That was Before. Now here we go into After.”

“The only thing I knew for sure at that moment was that David would be back.If I was gone when that happened, would he leave again? For good?David, do you know that’s a chance I can’t take?”

“Laurel, I hope you find something like this, a little self-destructive habit you can turn to every once in a while, when you’re tired of being good. It will keep you sane.”