“Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.”

“Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?”

“I'm sure the holy refrigerator is packed solid with cartons of Blue Bell ice cream - times a million. All those amazing flavor combinations minus the calories and fat grams, of course. After all, we are talking about heaven here, amen?”

“Yeah, you're sitting in a tree because you're fine. That's easy to see. I can't believe this is Maximum Ride, destroyer of despots, warrior hottie, leader of the flock! All you need now to make yourself more pathetic is a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream!”

“You're as handsome as Apollo, you don't pick your nose, you're not stingy and you don't talk too much. There's nothing at all the matter with you!' announced Pupa in the tone of a doctor who was a hundred per cent sure of her diagnosis.”

“When you're fat, people naturally assume you aren't committed. They think you're not disciplined because if you were disciplined you wouldn't let yourself get fat. A + B = C.”