“And ever so faintly,I could hear Josh rapping to his posse's beat.I couldn't make out most of what he was saying, but I thought I caught the word prepubescent.”

“The latter is very prepubescent.""Prepubescent!" Josh gasped. "Prepubescent!""I am totally pubescent," one of his friends said.Another said haughtily, "I will have you know that my mom and I are going to Aspen to shop for training bras this weekend."I rolled my eyes. "Later." I slid off the bench and stood."Hey,we're helping you go off the jump again tomorrow,right?" Josh asked, using the word helping very loosely."Yeah," another boy said, "eleventh time's the charm."I looked toward the Galaga machine. Fiona was still there, yet Nick was gone. Probably just to order her a drink.Ordinarily, I would have bounced all over the restaurant searching for him so I could flirt him out of Fiona's pink-nailed grasp. But the whoopee cushion had taken the wind out of my sails.”

“Here was Nick Krieger tenderly touching my face with the sun setting behind him and snowflakes sliding off his bare shoulders."Hayden,"he said again,gently. "Are you sure you didn't hit your head?""I don't think so."He moved the t-shirt aside and leaned closer,examining my ear. Oooh,it would be so much more romantic if he looked into my eyes rather than fixating on my ear.Shouldn't I be able to make this happen? What was the world comng to,that I couldn't even control what Nick did in my own wet dream?He poked my ear."Ow,ow,ow!" I squealed, and then felt faint again,out of breath.This was no wet dream.It was reality after all.He let out a disgusted sigh. "Hayden, Josh is right.The doctor might not even put a stitch in that.What's the matter with you? Do you faint at the sight of blood?"Oh,no.There was no way I would let him get the upper hand,even if I was lying on my back in the snow and he was kneeling over me. I laughed. "Of course I don't faint at the sight of blood.I jump onto the dance floor and do the Soulja Boy.Get the hell off me,Dr. McDreamy.”

“But you know what? They all grinned at me in welcome,and Josh even scooted over to make room for me on the bench. At least I knew who my true friends were. Feeling grateful and loved,I sat downTHPPPPTHPPPPTHPPPPT! I farted. Or so it seemed. The boys died laughing.I pulled the whoopee cushion out from under me and flung it on the table,which only sent them into another paroxysm."Nick-Kriger-is-behind-you," Josh gasped between giggles. "He totally heard it over Galaga.Do you still want us to look without looking like we're looking?" This sent them into yet another laughing fit."But don't worry," one of his friends said. "We'll act like we think you're hot."They all snorted and dabbed at their eyes faux-girlishly with paper napkins from the holder. Then,as if on cue, they started their rythmic heavy breathing,and I knew one of Josh's raps was coming. The people in the booths around us turned to look, if they weren't already staring at us outright because of the whoopee cushion.”

“Dad" I pleaded, "this is so [cuss word you never, ever say in front of your mother] ridiculous.”

“He nodded to my fiddle case. "Why didn't you come play with me?" Immediately he rolled his eyes at himself. "That's not what I meant."I didn't point out that if he was constantly hearing double entendres in his own words, he had a dirtier mind than he wanted to let on. Sam having a dirty mind was okay with me. It was adorable, actually, as long as his mind was on me.”

“Did he want Nick to die on the floor of his bathroom from an overdose of mentholated rub? Did he want me to spend the last eighty years of my lifespan in a convent? Maybe he was mad that I was trying to sneak out of the house wearing his jeans for the third day in a row."I am taking Doofus for another walk," I said clearly,daring him to defy me."That would not be good for Doofus." Josh folded his arms. "Mom,that would not be good for Doofus."Oh! Dragging Mom into this was low.Not to mention Doofus."Since when is going for a walk not good for a dog?" I challenged Josh."He's an old dog," Josh protested."He's four!" I pointed out."That's twenty-eight in dog years! He's practically thirty!""Strike!" Mom squealed amid the noise of electronic pins falling. Then she shook her game remote at both of us in turn. "I'm not stupid, you know.And I'm not as out of it as you assume. I know the two of you are really arguing about something else.It's those jeans again, isn't it?" She nodded to me. "I should cut them in half and give each of you a leg.Why does either of you want to wear jeans with 'boy toy' written across the seat anyway?""I thought that was the fashion." Josh said. "Grandma wears a pair of sweatpants with 'hot mama' written across the ass.""That is different," Mom hissed. "She wears them around the kitchen."I sniffed indignantly. "I said," I announced, "I am goig for a walk with my dog. My beloved canine and I are taking a turn around our fair community. No activity could be more wholesome for a young girl and her pet. And if you have a problem with that,well! What is this world coming to? Come along, dear Doofus." I stuck my nose in the air and stalked past them, but the effect was lost. Somewhere around "our fair community," Mom and Josh both had lost interest and turned back to the TV.Or so I thought.But just as I was about to step outside,hosh appeared in the doorway between the kitchen and the mud room. "What the hell are you doing" he demanded.I said self-righteously, "I am taking my loyal canine for a w-""You're going to Nick's,aren't you?" he whispered. "Do you think that's a good idea? I heard you yelled at him for no reason at the half-pipe,right before he busted ass.”