“Did he want Nick to die on the floor of his bathroom from an overdose of mentholated rub? Did he want me to spend the last eighty years of my lifespan in a convent? Maybe he was mad that I was trying to sneak out of the house wearing his jeans for the third day in a row."I am taking Doofus for another walk," I said clearly,daring him to defy me."That would not be good for Doofus." Josh folded his arms. "Mom,that would not be good for Doofus."Oh! Dragging Mom into this was low.Not to mention Doofus."Since when is going for a walk not good for a dog?" I challenged Josh."He's an old dog," Josh protested."He's four!" I pointed out."That's twenty-eight in dog years! He's practically thirty!""Strike!" Mom squealed amid the noise of electronic pins falling. Then she shook her game remote at both of us in turn. "I'm not stupid, you know.And I'm not as out of it as you assume. I know the two of you are really arguing about something else.It's those jeans again, isn't it?" She nodded to me. "I should cut them in half and give each of you a leg.Why does either of you want to wear jeans with 'boy toy' written across the seat anyway?""I thought that was the fashion." Josh said. "Grandma wears a pair of sweatpants with 'hot mama' written across the ass.""That is different," Mom hissed. "She wears them around the kitchen."I sniffed indignantly. "I said," I announced, "I am goig for a walk with my dog. My beloved canine and I are taking a turn around our fair community. No activity could be more wholesome for a young girl and her pet. And if you have a problem with that,well! What is this world coming to? Come along, dear Doofus." I stuck my nose in the air and stalked past them, but the effect was lost. Somewhere around "our fair community," Mom and Josh both had lost interest and turned back to the TV.Or so I thought.But just as I was about to step outside,hosh appeared in the doorway between the kitchen and the mud room. "What the hell are you doing" he demanded.I said self-righteously, "I am taking my loyal canine for a w-""You're going to Nick's,aren't you?" he whispered. "Do you think that's a good idea? I heard you yelled at him for no reason at the half-pipe,right before he busted ass.”

“And I don't know who you're calling little."I knew one way to solve this argument. I carefully tore the whole article out of the front page, then rolled up the newspaper and slid the rubber band back on. "Doofus," I whispered. Poor Doofus, behind us in the mud room, stood up in a rush of jingling dog tags and slobber. I slipped the paper into his mouth and whispered, "Take this to Dad."Doofus wagged his tail and trotted into the kitchen. We heard Dad say, "Did you bring me the paper? Good dog. Wait a minute. Bad dog!”

“I said, have you seen your butt?""Is that a rhetorical question?" I craned my neck to take a gander at my backside.Chloe clarified, "She means you have 'boy toy' written across the back of your jeans.""Oh." I nodded. "They're Josh's.""You say that as if it explains everything." She cocked her head to one side and considered me while buttoning her cardigan. "My stepbrothers dont write 'boy toy' across the back of their jeans.They only say the entire alphabet while burping.""That's nothing.Josh can recite the Gettysburg Address.”

“Nick ran smack into me."Ooof!" he hollered, grabbing me around the waist to keep me from falling down the rest of the staircase.That's when I realized Mom thought Nick and I were going on a date together.Quickly Nick let me go.He looked huge, frowning down at me from the step above. "Why are you stopping in the middle of the stairs?""Why are you tailgating me?"He put his hand behind me, at butt level, without touching me. "What is that?" he demanded.I bent a little and slapped my butt, "Something the heir to a meat fortune should know all about. USDA grade-A prime,baby." I straightened. "Just kidding. Really, it's my butt."He put his hands on his hips, and from below I noticed his strong superhero chin again.He grumbled, "Why do you have 'boy toy' written across your butt?""Oh!" I put my hand over the words, realizing that I probably should have been embarrassed about this sooner. "These are my brother's jeans. He wrote it to annoy me. Or to get me a date.”

“The latter is very prepubescent.""Prepubescent!" Josh gasped. "Prepubescent!""I am totally pubescent," one of his friends said.Another said haughtily, "I will have you know that my mom and I are going to Aspen to shop for training bras this weekend."I rolled my eyes. "Later." I slid off the bench and stood."Hey,we're helping you go off the jump again tomorrow,right?" Josh asked, using the word helping very loosely."Yeah," another boy said, "eleventh time's the charm."I looked toward the Galaga machine. Fiona was still there, yet Nick was gone. Probably just to order her a drink.Ordinarily, I would have bounced all over the restaurant searching for him so I could flirt him out of Fiona's pink-nailed grasp. But the whoopee cushion had taken the wind out of my sails.”

“Yes,I'm seeing someone," Nick said. Standing beside them but hardly acknowledging them.He was watching for my answer on his phone."For how long?" a woman asked."Four years," I heard him say."Aww!" I squealed. Then I turned to Chloe. "Do I want to be in People?""No," she said firmly. "Nick is ot."Gavin frowned and poked her in the side. "Hey."She ducked away from his finger. "Facts are facts. Nick is hot,and when girls read People and see he's dating you,they will call you a skank ho. You and I have mooned over Prince William. We know the deal.”

“Josh: "Mutley, my dog."Shel: "I am not getting in the car with that."Josh: "Yes, you are."Shel: "No, I'm not. He's huge."Josh: "He's harmless."Shel: "Like his owner?"Josh: "Oh, no, he's harmless. I'm not.”