“When he said the only way to get that woman out of our lives was a paternity test, it hit me." -Ty"What hit you? I'm goin' to hit you if you don't explain to me what you're thinkin'." -Miranda”

“Look what the cat drug in.”“If I were you, I wouldn’t mention pussy, unless you’re offering some.”

“Van was feeding Christian as we walked in the door. I shielded my hands in front of my face to prevent from seeing her bare breast. "God damn woman, put that tit away!""I'm feeding my daughter. You want another taste?"I started gagging immediately just thinking about how bad that shit tasted. "Hell no! I would rather eat dog shit.”

“Can't you just see it? Can't you see us with gray hair, sitting at those late night football games. I'll be the dad with one eye on my football playing sons, and the other on our daughter, who if she looks anything like you, I will need to carry a gun to fight off all of those horny teenage boys.”

“I’m Jammer.”“What kind of name is that?” It sounded ridiculous“It’s the name you’ll be calling out the next time you’re holding a shower head between your legs and wishing it was my mouth.”

“Why is it that when your life is at a breaking point, every freaking song on the radio relates to it. If I heard one more sad song, I was going to rip the radio out of the dash and toss it out on the road.”

“Keep in mind that I have seen the answer key.I know what I'm supposed to say to stop you from hitting me.”