“Festivus for the Restivus!”

“I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.”

“You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.”

“No soup for you”

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”