“I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!”

“And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.”

“I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.”

“What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

“If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”