“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

“Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.”

“Festivus for the Restivus!”

“I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.”

“You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.”

“No soup for you”