“News flash, Bozo. Don't ever tell a girl to relax. It only makes us madder.”

“News flash: The whole thing is a huge mess and a giant nightmare and it’s all about to explode in your face and you have no idea whatyou’ve gotten yourself into. Love is no game. People cut their ears off over this stuff. People jump off the Eiffel Tower and sell all theirpossessions and move to Alaska to live with the grizzly bears, and then they get eaten and nobody hears them when they scream for help.That’s right. Falling in love is pretty much the same thing as being eaten alive by a grizzly bear.Believe me, I should know.”

“The problem is, there is absolutely nothing "fun" about falling in love. Nope. Mostly it just makes you feel sick and crazy and anxious and nervous that it's going to end miserably and ruin your whole life. And guess what: Then it does.”

“Not that I was obsessive or anything.Au contraire, mon frere.For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient. Why waste time and energy running around town trying to guess where a guy's going to be, when instead, you can actually know? And then you can actually be there. Pretty straightforward stuff, I tend to think.”

“This Jacob dude sounds like a real Bilbo Douche-Baggins.”

“Love is such a complete and total crock.”

“Hell is when people you love the most reach right into your soul and rip it out of you. And they do it because they can.”