“It's like when a kitten tries to bite something to death. The kitten clearly has the cold-blooded murderous instinct of a predator, but at the same time, it's this cute little kitten, and all you want to do is stuff it in a shoebox and shoot a video of it for grandmas to watch on YouTube.”

“If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.”

“Are you done eating that?" "What?""You shouldn't finish that, Dad's gonna want some.""The hell he will.""He will.""It's so nasty. Son, it's so nasty.""Then why are you finishing it?""Taking a bullet.”

“They are presented attractively for the same reason that kittens are cute - so that they can draw you in, then pounce on you for the kill.Seriously. Stay away from kittens.”

“Look, I was an idiot. I didn't want people to think that I had a crush, so I decided to give everyone the impression that I truly, honestly hated Madison Harter. For no reason. Just thinking about this makes me want to punch myself in the eyeball.”

“Confront a child, a puppy, and a kitten with a sudden danger; the child will turn instinctively for assistance, the puppy will grovel in abject submission, the kitten will brace its tiny body for a frantic resistance.”

“Then, out of the blue, Aaron Winer saved the day. He took her to some movie and made out with her in the back row. The next day, at school, they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Bam! Problem solved. I pretended to be bitter about this, but in fact I was so relieved that I started laughing hysterically in history class and had to be excused to go the nurse.”