“I went and kissed him to wake him up just like Sleeping Beauty. Although I guess with me it was more like Beauty and the Beast.”

“I like everything about you, Larry. I like the way you look and how you’re so clever, and I like it when we laugh together and watch TV together. I like going to art galleries with you and hearing you get all bitchy about some of the artists. I like watching you when you’re doing marking, ’cause you get these funny looks on your face. I like watching you sleep and hearing that snuffly noise you make. I like waking up with you at weekends and spending the day together, just doing stuff like walking round town and shopping and cooking and stuff.” I kind of ran out of breath after that.For a moment, I thought he was going to cry.“Is there anything you don’t like about me?”

“I gave the wretched beast a look that said plainly I’ll deal with you later.He flicked his tail at me, cat-speak for Do I look like I’m bothered?”

“Well, that went well,” I muttered to my cock, which had optimistically jumped up when I did. All pumped up with nowhere to go. I took it for a shower and gave it a few strokes to make it feel better, but it wasn’t fooled. It knew it was just my hand tugging on it.”

“Please go" he said. "Just take my money - take anything - and go"I didn't get why he wanted me to take something, but he seemed really worried about it. So I looked around, and he had a bowl of fruit on the side, so I grabbed an apple, 'cause I always get hungry after I've been drinking."I'll take this, okay?" Then I left him there, but I took the knives and I hid them in the hall cupboard, just in case.”

“I never know what people want to hear when they say that stuff. And it’s not like anything about me is interesting or nothing. “Have you always lived in Cambridge?” I nodded. “Do you live alone?” I nodded again. So then he gave up on twenty questions and started telling me about himself.”

“God. How would I cope if I went to jail? I'd never even been to boarding school.”