“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'llmake a door. Something terrific will come no matter how darkthe present.”

“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

“It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.”