“I'm telling you, if aliens landed on earth today and took a good hard look at why babies get born, they'd conclude that most people had children by accident, or because they drink too much on a certain night, or because birth control isn't one hundred percent, or for a thousand other reasons that really aren't very flattering.”

“There must be a very good reason why you're still here, because there are thousand reasons why you shouldn't be.”

“Why aren't you happy? It's because ninety-nine percent of everything you do, and think, and say, is for yourself -- and there isn't one.”

“Coitus interruptus by SWAT team. At last a form of birth control that was one hundred percent reliable.”

“Most beautiful dumb girls think they are smart and get away with it, because other people, on the whole, aren't much smarter.”

“Ninety-nine percent of everything that goes on in most Christian churches has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual religion. Intelligent people all notice this sooner or later, and they conclude that the entire one hundred percent is bullshit, which is why atheism is connected with being intelligent in people's minds.”