“Just so you know, when they say "Once upona time” . . . they’re lying”

“Just so you know," I begin, "when they say 'Once upon a time'... they're lying. It's not once upon a time. It's not even twice upon a time. It's hundreds of times, over and over, every time someone opens up the pages of this dusty old book.”

“All the geniuses I ever met were so just part of the time. To qualify, you only have to be great once, you know. Once when it matters.”

“Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, 'So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart.' People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.”

“If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.”

“I know it's wrong - God, it's all kinds of wrong - but I just want to lie down with you and wake up with you, just once, just once ever in my life.”