“The problem with the English Patient is that to enjoy it, you have to be either English or patient.”

“No one sleeps in Hell except as a possible defensive posture in retaliation during yet another punitive presentation of The English Patient.”

“My scary strange English shall only be counted as my English problem.”

“Canada could have enjoyed: English government, French culture, and American know-how. Instead it ended up with: English know-how, got French government, and American culture.”

“Anyone who's ever flown London to Sydney, seated next to or anywhere in the proximity of a fussy baby, you'll no doubt fall right into the swing of things in Hell. What with the strangers and crowding and seemingly endless hours of waiting for nothing to happen, for you Hell will feel like one long, nostalgic hit a deja vu. Especially if your in-flight movie was The English Patient. In Hell, whenever the demons announce they're going to treat everyone to a big-name Hollywood movie, don't get too excited because it's always The English Patient, or, unfortunately, The Piano. It's never The Breakfast Club.”

“The English, who look on stoically as national health hospitals in run-down metropolitan areas close their wards through lack of support and patients spend time on trolleys in corridors, are comforted by the knowledge that wounded hedgehogs are tenderly cared for in a hedgehog hospital.”