“If you were up to your neck in cat vomit and someone threw dog poop at you would you duck?”

“You know your cat is fucking with you when she poops in the litter box and somehow manages to miss the litter.”

“I don't think twice about picking up my dog's poop, but if another dog's poop is next to it, I think, 'Eww, dog poop!”

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”

“you're so ugly, your momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck so the dog would play with you”

“Since early morning he had been swimming in the river, in company with his friends the ducks. And when the ducks stood on their heads suddenly, as ducks will, he would dive down and tickle their necks, just under where their chins would be if ducks had chins, till they were forced to come to the surface again in a hurry, spluttering and angry and shaking their feathers at him, for it is impossible to say quite all you feel when your head is under water.”