“1. Your grandmother/grandfather/Aunt-Suzie-whom-you-never-met-but-trust-me-she-was-nice-and-it's-a-shame is dead. 2. You're letting a girl named Katherine distract you from your studies. 3. Babies are made through an act that you will eventually find intriguing but for right now will just sort of horrify you, and also sometimes people do stuff that involves baby-making parts that does not actually involve making babies, like for instance kiss each other in places that are not on the face. It never meant: 4. A girl named Katherine called while you were in the bathtub. She's sorry. She still loves you and has made a terrible mistake and is waiting for you downstairs.”

“Babies are made through an act that you will eventually find intriguing but for right now will just sort of horrify you, and also sometimes people do stuff that involves baby-making parts that does not actually involve making babies, like for instance kiss each other in places that are not on the face.”

“Don't make fun of her," the Duke said. "She needs gentle encouragement. Carla, baby, we love you. You are such a good car. And we believe in you one hundred percent."..."Don't listen to him, Carla. You're gonna do this."..."I love you, Carla. You know that, don't you? I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is that I love Tobin's mom's car. I know that's weird, baby, but I do. I love you. And I know you can do this."..."Carla," the Duke said, "it's time to tell you the truth. I'm in love with you. I want to be with you, Carla. I've never felt this way about a c-”

“Sorry," I said to the Duke."Eh, it's not your fault. It's Carla's fault. You were turning the wheel. Carla just wasn't listening. I knew I shouldn't have loved her. She's like all the others, Tobin; as soon as I confess my love, she abandons me."I laughed. "I never abandoned you," I said patting on her back."Yeah, well, (a.) I never confessed my love to you, and (b.) I'm not even female to you.”

“there's three ways to look at it. Either (1) it's a massive coincidence that all the girls I ever liked happen to share the same nine letters, or (2) I just happen to think it particularly beautiful name, or (3) I never got over our two-and-a-half-minute relationship." "I remember thinking that. You were dork chic before dork chic was chic.”

“From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Subject: You, Me, Becca Arrington's House, Your Penis, Etc. Dear Mr. Worthington, 1.$200 in cash should be provided to each of the 12 people whose bikes your collegues destroyed via Chevy Tahoe. This shouldn't be a problem, given your magnificent wealth. 2.This graffiti situation in the girls' bathroom has to stop. 3.Water guns? With pee? Really? Grow up. 4.You should treat your fellow students with respect, particularly those less socially fortunate than you. 5.You should probably instruct members of your clan to behave in similarly considerate ways. "I realize that it will be very difficult to accomplish some of these task. But then again, It will also be very difficult not to share the attached photograph with the world.”

“You know how sometimes you see a really sexy baby? Wait that sounds fucked up.”