“Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, “I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.”

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.”

“For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off.”

“Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "storms suck!”

“The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.”

“If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead.”

“In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.”