“If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead.”

“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”

“Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, “I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.”

“For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off.”

“Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "storms suck!”

“The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.”

“In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.”