“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”

“Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”

“If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead.”

“Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, “I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.”

“For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off.”

“Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "storms suck!”

“The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.”