“Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”

“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”

“Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.”

“Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, “I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.”

“For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off.”

“Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "storms suck!”

“The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.”