“And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.”

“You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, f**k it.”

“The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.”

“I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.”

“To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!”

“I feel your scorn, and I accept it.”

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”