“Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.”

“What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?”

“If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.”

“Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.”

“As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36)”

“If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?”

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”