“I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.”

“Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]”

“Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”

“The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.”

“You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.”

“Classroom Activities1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!”

“By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”