“If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.”

“The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.”

“Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]”

“By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”

“You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, f**k it.”

“You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.”

“Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.”