“You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, f**k it.”

“And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.”

“If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it’s not politics — and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy — but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, ‘That’s what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?’ But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, ‘Bad monkey.”

“To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!”

“If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.”

“The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.”

“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out.I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq.We've been following time as it goes forward.What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.”