“Don't write to sell, write to tell.”

“Stay humble as a writer: write on toilet paper.”

“There is one word I can’t stand and it’s ASAP and that’s not even a word.”

“My view on feng shui: don’t put your bed in front of your door because you won’t get in.”

“Be the kind of person who catches the shit before it hits the fan, not the one who scrapes it off afterwards.”

“Some people like milk, but I would never drink anything you have to stroke out of an animal.”

“The hotel is not happy with me breaking a 2000-dollar TV. For a second I feel like a rock star, but that’s just a second because then I feel like a psycho again.”