“↑ top up position downThe fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one.”

“I like people thinking I'm an asshole. Being an asshole is my life's vocation; I'm a goddamned asshole professional.”

“Love is bullshit. Emotion is bullshit. I am a rock. A jerk. I'm an uncaring asshole and proud of it.”

“Sometimes I'm real cool, but sometimes I could be a real asshole. I think everyone is like that.”

“Sometimes when I’m watching TV and I see a horrible commercial I think, “Only an asshole would buy that.” Then I think, Wait a minute! The advertising agency did research on their client’s target market and which channel and TV shows the ideal demographic watches, right? This would mean a carefully chosen ad campaign to get the product in front of the likely buyers, who in this case, are assholes. And I’m on the chosen channel, which means that I am one of the assholes of interest. Then I get spooked, because how’d they figure out that am asshole? Scary how well they know me.”

“Does not-your boyfriend realize I'm Mormon?"I nod. "It turns out, Holder doesn't have an issue with Mormons at all. He just has an issue with assholes.”