“Sam, just accept it. There is nothing funnier than penises randomly inserted in wildly uncalled for places in the sport of hilarious juxtaposition. Why else would we have the Washington Monument?”

“sat down to write a book and instead left hilariously awesome comments across various statuses. You're welcome, Facebook.”

“I just want you to know that most of the time, I have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm doing. I just happen to be good at making shit up as I go along.”

“Make no mistake: it's not that I actively dislike you. That would take an effort on my part that I have absolutely no interest in exerting on behalf of such an insignificant little man such as yourself. No, I am indifferent towards you with absolutely no hope for an upgrade.”

“––but I love her and we're meant to be together and she completes me and I never want to stick my penis into anything else ever again!”

“In case there was any doubt, there is a secret government agency that monitors all the things that normal government agencies vehemently deny any existence and subsequent involvement of. Such as extra-terrestrial life (like Mick Jagger), paranormal activity (like Justin Beiber), and the purely unexplainable (like Big Burger Boys). Regular government agencies have to deny the existence of this secret agency because, essentially, they don’t know that it exists.”

“When in doubt: more coffee.”