“sat down to write a book and instead left hilariously awesome comments across various statuses. You're welcome, Facebook.”

“Sam, just accept it. There is nothing funnier than penises randomly inserted in wildly uncalled for places in the sport of hilarious juxtaposition. Why else would we have the Washington Monument?”

“I just want you to know that most of the time, I have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm doing. I just happen to be good at making shit up as I go along.”

“Make no mistake: it's not that I actively dislike you. That would take an effort on my part that I have absolutely no interest in exerting on behalf of such an insignificant little man such as yourself. No, I am indifferent towards you with absolutely no hope for an upgrade.”

“When in doubt: more coffee.”

“––but I love her and we're meant to be together and she completes me and I never want to stick my penis into anything else ever again!”

“I had a nice, long, hot shower but didn't come up with any great ideas. What a waste.”