“Chicks dig a dude who’s sporting the latest eggplant turtleneck styles.”

“You can be our critic. Would you dig that? (Yes, he was the last Man in America who could say “dig” with a straight face without referring to the process of using a tool to remove dirt from the ground.)”

“Who’s that?That’s the King.Who’s he?The Duke.Who’s she?The Princess.What do they call you?The Count.What does that make me?Umm…how about the Peasant?And the name stuck.”

“Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor.Person #1: And how's that working out for you?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia.Person #2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five.Person #3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out...”

“Note to self: It's hard to attain a state of no-mind when you're incredibly pumped up on tea and sugar and have to urinate every three and a half minutes.”

“It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion".”

“Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls”