“Not, like, that, boychik, you sound like a herd of elephants charging through a music store.”

“What do you call a planet where bad guys stroll through life with success draped around their shoulders like a King’s cloak, while random horrors are visited upon the innocent heads of children? I call it Earth.”

“You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly.Mom!What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?”

“I dove on those papers like Sherlock Holmes on a cappuccino binge.”

“Rehearsals and practice times by myself are like these little islands of 'Okay' in a vast sea of 'Holy Crap!”

“It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion".”

“Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor.Person #1: And how's that working out for you?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia.Person #2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five.Person #3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out...”