“There are really no guidelines whatsoever, because this is the kind of thing that only happens to ME.”

“Did you really JUST fall, Jeffrey?Why does everybody in my family talk in these dramatic CAPITAL LETTERS all the time? Why am I the only calm one?”

“Hi, Tad!' she said. 'Hi, Jeff! Hey, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?''Uh, no,' I said. 'We were just...I mean, Tad was...uh, nope.''So what were you guys talking about?''Well,' I said, 'it's very complicated. We were discussing...umm...hats. You know, hats. Like, the head kind.''There's another kind?' Lindsey asked.'Hey, Jeff?' Tad said. 'If your mom needs any evidence to prove that you're retarded, let me know. I'd be glad to record you talking to Lindsey. I'm pretty sure that would do the trick.”

“Steven, I know I phrased that as a question, but it was really a command.Yes, but mine is…ummm…private.Private, Steven?Yes, Miss Palma.PRIVATE Steven?Again with the capital letters?”

“Oh, good lord, Jeff. Don't go getting all emotional on me. I've been getting it from my mom, my dad, my sister, the freaking MAILMAN--I don't need it from you, too. All I ask is that you promise me one thing.''What?''Just water the plants while I'm gone, all right?''You don't have plants, Tad.''I know. I just always wanted to say that.”

“Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change”

“And if there was one thing I'd finally figured out, it was that your mind is something you always CAN change.”